I was thrilled when MAD Magazine, one of the most important magazines of the twentieth century, asked me to write the introduction to their Bathroom Companion. It seems like more and more that when people think of poo, they think of me.
I started reading MAD when I was eight years old. I was an impressionable child, with a mind that was pure like morning snow. I had dreams of growing up to be an astronaut or a scientist. Reading MAD changed all that, however, and now I make cartoons with anal probes and Barbra Steisand monsters.
What I learned from MAD, is that anything that becomes too "cool" or too popular in our culture must be destroyed. Usually while everyone was singing something's praises, MAD was knocking it down. When I was a kid and everyone loved Star Wars, they made fun of Star Wars. When everyone started liking Jordache jeans, they made fun of that too. Anything that became too cool in the country's eye was an open target for MAD Magazine, and that's what made it so great then -- and what still makes it so great today. Why, I even opened a MAD Magazine last year and saw that they were making fun of South Park. But this, of course, was not great; it was juvenile, thoughtless, mindless crap, and if the MAD people ever do it again I will kick all their asses.
But enough about MAD, and enough about me. It is time to focus on your task at hand.
This book was meant to be used as a companion to pooping, and if you are using this book as it was intended, you are now seated on the toilet, as you have been countless other times. But did you know that right now, as you are pooping, an estimated 2.3 million people around the world are pooping too? That's right, from Japan to Germany, Israel to Canada, people of all races and ethnicity's are doing exactly what you're doing right now. Isn't that beautiful? Pooping is the common bond that unites us all; it is what makes us one.
Even more wonderful than the fact that people all around the world poop, is the fact that nobody can go without pooping. No matter how rich somebody is, or how famous or how sexy or beautiful, everyone has to put time on the porcelain. Even Jennifer Lopez poops. Think about that. Go on, visualize Jennifer Lopez pooping for one second. That's it...Good.
What still puzzles me, though, is that if pooping is such a world-uniting, culture-crossing, and wonderful thing, why is it still so shrouded in silence and embarrassment? Why don't people talk more freely about their various bathroom habits and pleasures?
For example, most women do not realize that men often like to pretend they are giving birth when they poop. That's right. The truth is, we men are somewhat jealous that we can't have babies, and our potty time is the only time for us to fantasize. Men will try to deny it, but the fact remains that almost all men, at some point in their lives, have sat on the toilet, doing some breathing exercises, and waiting for the joyous moment to arrive so they can shout, "It's a girl!" and then name their something cute before flushing her away forever.
And most men would be surprised to know that women usually like to play a game called Bombs Away in the bathroom. They fill the toilet bowl with small cardboard ships that they have spent hours beforehand creating. Then, instead of sitting on the toilet, they stand on the rim, and the fun begins as they see how many Japanese D-42s they can sink.
Pooping is not about nastiness or vulgarity; pooping is about fun. Toilet time is precious time, not only for birthing fantasies and war games, but also for reading fine books like this one, or for reflecting on memories past, or even...for pondering our own reality and deep metaphysical inner self. And so, as you dive deeper into this eloquent collection, and continue with your toilet time, do not ask yourself what the nutritionist would ask: "What am I pooping?" Ask yourself the question the Zen Buddhist would ask: "What is it that is pooping?"
[ source: MAD ]